My sister-in-law died earlier this week. She’s being buried today. I can’t say that I will miss her and a part of me feels bad about that stating that out loud but then there is a part of me that wants to own my truth now that we are all closer t death and I dying. I am certainly assured that if the tables were reversed, there would be no tears shed for me. Sad when I contemplate feeling horrible that Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein were killed, but she stirs no feelings.
She was married to my brother for 40 years. I hurt for his loss but if the truth be known, I’m still harboring some ill will towards him as well. I know that there is no magickal way to go back and change the past and I certainly don’t dwell there. But in these moments, when tragedy strikes and their hearts are aching because of loss, the pleasant thought drifts through my mind “Karma, motherfucker!”
Over the years I have tolerated abuse – physical, sexual, emotional, spiritual- that many would have died from. I’ve even tried that route when the emotional pain was too much t bear. And yet I endure. I watch the injustices, feel it, absorb it into my DNA and hold onto to it like a drowning man clinging to a life vest in the sea. I am well versed in holding on to it, using it as a catalyst for my rage, but no one has taught me how to breathe out and let it go. What do I do with this misspent energy?
I pondered going to her funeral and making a scene, but that always happens at Black funerals so no joy there. I thought about pushing her casket over (accidentally of course) and watching her fat, misshapen dead as roll across the floor like a deflating balloon at the Macy’s parade. I have spent the days since learning of her death contriving all manner of horrid,culturally inappropriate things to do and say, but alas I do nothing because I know me too well. For the hurt and pain she caused, nothing would satisfy this need. I would have to find something more heinous than my most heinous thoughts. Trust me, I can be very creative. She would still be as dead as she is now.
If there is such a thing as resting in peace, I pray that she isn’t. This must be what it feels like to be a republican. Wow!
I will say to her as I said in life and hope it will sustain me.
” I will think of you as dead until God makes you so, and then I will think of you no more”